dream

i dreamt of you last night.

now i feel that all the pain i have been enduring is worth it.
to see your face again, even it is formed by my own fading memory,
its enough to negate all my sufferings.

sometimes i wonder why too.
why do you have such a power over me.
why did i have to screw things up.

and now you are ignoring me.
you dont know but its killing me inside.

you are the butterfly in my stomach

11 months to ord.
sometimes when i think of it,
when you have nothing to do and have no one to talk to u
the feeling is very terrible.
that kind of solitude, it swallows your heart.
it makes you hard to breathe.
its so unbearable.

sometimes i feel that im happier in camp than at home.
because in camp there are your colleagues,
working beside you. they talk cock to you,
they tease you, they play with you.
its fun to be with some company.

whats more camp is such a good place.
where else in this world u can find a job that pays you ard 700-1000+k (if u are a commander)
a month with food and lodging provided when you are not even holding a degree and dont need you to have expertise in any kind of area.
you wake up to your working place every morning.
you can buy food at less than 100m away.
you have people greet you every morning.
you can ask someone whom you dont even know his name to get you a file from your office, or ask him to clean up the toilet.
you have free credits to purchase ur working attire.
you have not much work to do(for some).

you can only find this in the army.
what's more the higher rank you are, the least things you have to do.

but to be able to enjoy such previledges, you have to suffer first.

however, i notice nowadays army has became so slack(especially for some places).
half way through the first 7-day army fieldcamp you can order KFC? this is utter nonsense.
people are now having the wrong impression of army.
"army is slack 1 la."
sentences like "just serve your 2 years and fuck off" are easily passed.
army is no longer place where you grow up, for some.
people who have alot of frustrations in army are on the way to a meaningful NS experience.
army is the place where "Boys become Men"
and not "Pamper the pampered boys"

but whatever the case, i myself have learnt quite alot in army.
and that there are good and very bad regulars in the army.

innocence

all was manageable until yesterday night,
when i found out that avril (that is, avril lavigne the singer) married in 2006!

out of sudden, i felt incredibly sad? or was it some other feeling.
i know that she's canadian, and she is 4 years older than me
she is dam pretty, and she's got the attitude
she's cute and bratty, basically the best damned thing
and THERES NO WAY she will know me and anything will happen between us,
BUT im feeling kinda upset after hearing she's married.
WHY?

issit because its the same feeling as hearing that the girl you like so much got married to someone else but you?
i dont know.

her voice makes my heart tremble,
and my legs weak.
my tears escaped my eyes involuntarily
as i held my mp3 in my hand.

all because of her


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sometimes i wonder why am i so emotional
it wasn't like this before
until i met her.
soemtimes i dont know whether im doing the correct things
to savage a situation
to take away the pain
to undo my mistakes
to repay for my misdoings

so much so that im so afraid.
i live in pain every moment.
wondering whether have i made a mistake somewhere
or have i forgotten to do anything.

sometimes i so hate myself.

learning.

we all know that learning sometimes get abit hard.

I dont know how to solve this. How? WA LAO...

It sometimes makes you frustrated.

Have you ever wondered what happens when humans keep making more and more discoveries to the point where by his successor would need an entire lifetime to understand his mentor's theories in order to understand that new discovery made by his mentor? I'm talking about when the amount of knowledge far exceeds the capability(speed and space) of the human brain to handle. What do we do when that happens? We split the knowledge up into relevant parts. For example, in Physics we have scientists specialising in different aspect of physics, like quantum physics, astro physics, thermodynamics and so much more.

Well, i dont see it poses any problems? Does it?

What happens if the knowledge itself is split into parts too small to be able to have any apparent use, and yet it requires a tremendous amount of time to research about it? Take a gun for example. Tom has invented a part that is able release a catch by pulling a trigger. But before that, how is he able to convince commercial companies to invest in his research? And how did the university know that this aspect of science/engineering would be useful and hence start a course on how to make a part that releases a catch by pulling a trigger(lets call it triggernometry lol) in the first place? The answer most likely is, they dont.

What im saying is, as knowledge is split to be learnt by different people, the small parts of knowledge loses its cohesiveness. No one is able to get the "general idea" of things before they die of age, or before their brains reach their limit.

So im saying that is there a limit to technological advancement? Where the limiting agent is the human brain itself. The brain is definitely not limitless as the neurons and all the brain cells are limited, unless our brains get larger through evolution OR we manage to increase our capacity and speed of our brains by connecting them with computers(which is quite plausible in the future).

Just something that i thought of last time..