a box of 'y's

i wonder why,
everytime when i feel sad
and i want to blog about it
i just couldnt.

is it that my mind and my heart do not connect well
or is it that my command of language is insufficiently capable to convert heart code into a language of words.
i dont even dare to blog where u can see.
because im afraid i might say the wrong things.
im afraid that i say too much that all seem mundane.
basically, im scared of losing you - which i am.

there i go.. saying the wrong things again.
you was never mine?
how could i say that im losing you when i dont have you in the first place.

a dull speck of starcrumbs

i have been living a no-life's life the past few days.
Waking up everyday and before you know it,
im on the battle screen of some rpg, rts or spraying off enemies in a fps game.

i have to admit. this kind of life was heaven to me.
but maybe i have grown old.. too old to be excited by such
trivial fun. then i thought, everyone wants to have fun.
maybe this is wad causing young people to break up these days.

i dont want to have fun.
i just want to be happy.
and to be happy i guess i have to live a life with meaning.
but life is meaningless to me now.

i do not have big dreams nor ambitions.
i dont need to have the latest accessories or clothing.
i dont need 24 hours of pure computer gaming everyday.
i dont need a big big house or some sports wagon.

i want nothing out of life.

maybe deep down i hope to have a person whom i can spend my life with forever.
maybe what i want is LOVE.
but do love exist anyway?
do anyone value love?
do anyone really know how to love? who to love?

love obviously cannot be obtained just overnight.
i have to wait for the right one to arrive.
maybe she already have.
maybe she will never come.
but right now in my life,
i can only wait for her to come.

.. and before that, life is meaningless.
because she is my meaning in life.