Fear F4ctor

i have exactly 12 hours left to my next 2 papers... computing and chem.
i have officially killed myself in my maths and physics common test...
maths nvr do 1 got 27 marks. do wrong 1 shld be ard 20. so i can expect 5x...
which i will surely get killed if my parents see it.

now shld i study computing?
i haf a feeling i chiong computing i still get v lan..
but if i chiong chem i sure get v lan also.
and chem got so much...

hmmm..

perhaps i shld slp first.. lol

The Amazing Race

I have to finish physics by today!
Can I make it in time?

Electric Field -- done
Capacitors -- done
Current Electricity -- done 3.47pm (pitstop now! 30mins - 1 hour lol)
DC circuits -- done
Magnetic Fields and Electromagnetism -- done 7.57 pm. (wa i slpt 2 hours and played 1 hour)
Electromagnetic Induction -- done
Alternating Current -- done 11.53pm (die le.. play too much.. tmr morning continue ba..)
Analogue Electronics -- done
Ideal Gas -- done
Charged Particle Dynamics -- done
Quantum Physics -- done 7.30pm sunday! omg.. gp how?

there will be no detour!

ahhhhhhhhh

i
am
going
to
fail
my
June
Common
Test

i cantttt concentrate on myy work anymoreeee....
cant study c0mputinggggggggggggggggg
my eye pain!!
ahhhh jiu ming!!

the most unplanned and rewarding experience..

i just came back from my cca farewell chalet..
only slept for 2 hours (5am - 7am) but i have just bathed
so my hair is wet and therefore i am here.. typing.

first of all. it wasnt anywhere near a farewell.
well think of farewell.. picture it in your minds..
you see people.. many people.. seniors and juniors..
meeting each other for the last time in a cca activity..
but the final result was.. there was only 2 yr1s that came.
those 2 who organised the whole thing despite lack of
help from the other year1s who were put in charge of this as well.
thank you you two..! for at least trying to send us farewell.
and also for your wonderful we duno what thing it is that is so chocolatey
and healthy and your nice nice post cards.

2ndly.. the co@sta s@nds chalet room really sux. spoilt aircon.. untunable and untuned tv. ant stampedes. no xbox. you name it. we've got it. and of cos we dont bother to call since we are only using it for like 2 days 1 nite which is actually 19 hours. by the time they got here, checked and repair i think it will be our 5th night.

thirdly. my senior has just POP'd (not pop! but you know.. passing of parade'd) and he shared very very funny stuff and very informative stuff. since i scared its sensitive i better not type anything. haha. but it is very interesting to have a extremely blur buddy haha.

as you can see.. im like so relaxed. like as if jct is next year.. i still got ihpc compy to do.. haix.
and by the way i wrote this entry you can tell my gp also gone case. intro nvr say wad i wan to say ah.. enumeration of points ar.. and short, undeveloped and unsupported paragraphs/ideas.

hey wait a min.. i have actually revised the basic requirements of an essay this way.. hmm not bad.. shld i blog some alkane allkenes stuff too? lol

i dont know why.

why why i have no mood to study?

oh
my
god
pls
tell
me
why..

i just cant put myself in studying mood.

maybe this will do..
CHEM - 2 years of stuff = 3% d0ne
COMPUTING - Almost 2 years of stuff = o% done
Maths - 1 year + of stuff = o% done
Physics - 1 year of stuff. = o% done

please help me!!

omg really gotta start now!

we had chemistry.

if you think im blogging about love this time.. you r wrong!

Chemistry.
Chemistry is a science subject.
Chemistry is a science subject that i failed.
Chemistry is a science subject that i failed like everyone else.
Chemistry is a bloody science subject that i failed miserably like everyone else.
Chemistry is a bloody difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools without any clothes.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us looks like fools without any clothes in the damn winter.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools without any clothes in the damn winter licking the cold hard ice.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools without any clothes in the damn winter licking the cold hard ice and idiots who dont give a damn about their studies.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools without any clothes in the damn winter licking the cold hard ice and idiots who dont give a damn about their studies and blog whole day.
Chemistry is a bloody annoying, difficult and nonsensical science subject that i failed so miserably and pathetically like everyone else which makes us look like fools without any clothes in the damn winter licking the cold hard ice and idiots who dont give a damn about their studies and blog whole day waiting for boring people like you to read..

lol.. that was fun.
a nice break from chem.

wait a min.. did i start chem?

N4tional Service.

Hate it or loathe it.

WE (the guys of course) all have to do this. whether you like it or not. unless you are some guy rich enough to fly away~ and never return to singapore. you have to go through it. well you girls might think. what's the big deal? be a man. stop whinning.

we are not whinning because of our (rather the majority) physical being is incapable of doing so. nor are we complaining about the long hours of lifeless life (is there such a thing?) under the hot sun doing some freakish physical training or such stuff. it is the amount of things you will lose out during this time.

yes we should be doing this. we should defend our country.. but not by making us (majority) staying 24 hours during weekdays(of cos for some occasions outfield we should stay overnite for some consec days to train our endurance). how many relationships are broken just because of this ns thing? yes u may argue that if the relationships are strong and really meant to be.. no tides may overturn the boat! but really.. relationships still need maintenance. if some wacko trying to chase ur partner and they are in the same course in uni, well.. goodluck to you. Yes they will have lotsa time together. dont worry! for some 2 years(before we are able to get out of the 'jail' as some call it) !

and no! they wont be together! only if cows fly and pigs have afterburners.

assumption: "the guy is really sweet you know! he seems to understand me very well! And he's older than me by 2 years.. hmm yeah.. i think he's matured and will be you know.. able to take care of me"

not to mention singapore have low fidelity rate. yes i know. as well as fertility. but that doesnt mean they copulate less often. they use rUbBeR~

ahh sian. im whinning again.

all i can do is blame myself for being born quiet and lacking the gift of the gap.
and looks.. well its cant help it. born hideous. what can you do?

well i will be surprised if there is some girl out there who really dont give a dam about looks.
and is single! and takes a liking on me. lol.....?

yeah gibson. dream on.

long cold nights.

i dont know if you're feeling this way too..

but do you know the nights are getting longer and colder for me?
everytime i lie down on my bed,
my mind will be filled with you,
and memories of you.
i will remember the days where we were in reach,
the days we shared, though not us alone.

at least i was able to see your face then.
your face which lights up the darkness in my heart.
your face which fills the void in heart.

solitude. all that i have got left now is loneliness.
and its driving me crazy.
driving me thin.
and rotting my mind.

i have distanced from my friends. some of them distanced from me too.
i have said things that annoy.
and some things that are arrogant.
i want to be alone.
i only want you by my side.

i was a confident man.
i was agreeable.
i was.. cheerful.
but now im not.

i began to hate everything and everyone.
my mood becomes uncontrollable at times.

time.
time has a habit of slipping away.
you are always busy.
i guess that you didn't, don't and will not have time for me.
i know that you need someone to be there for you everytime you are feeling stressed.
i dont mind being a person who is needed temporarily by you.
to be discarded by you after that.
like a clothing.
at least a clothing can touch you.
shelter you from dirt, dust and rain.
keep you warm when you're cold.
at least i can be with you.

6 more months and i'll be gone.
i will have to serve ns.
and you will start a new life.
university life.
there where you will most likely find someone you like.
and he will be your shelter, your playmate, your listener
your lover, your life, your everything...

...my dream.

and there will be no more winter for you.
i will be nothing.


a winter clothing.

sanctuary.

this iwebmusic finally let me register.. so i put this very related song on my blog! lol.

but i will change it soon.. i have nicer songs!

sorrow.

Fear resides within me
like an unborn chick.
Waiting for the day it becomes a phoenix
the day it spreads its wings,
where they will become the canopy of light.

I am afraid.
Afraid that one day my insanity gains control of my body.
Then no words nor actions can undo the consequences that follow.
I will be a prisoner. Of mankind. Of insanity. Of sorrow.

But what i am already now are the latter two.
I long for the day, the day where the sun's moderate and kind,
the sky is clear and blue, and the clouds are merry.
The day you will look me back in the eye.
The day you will smile at me the way i remembered.
The day you will hug me the same you did in our dreams.

I am afraid.. that something will happen to me or you.. before the day comes.

I wait patiently.. in the background of your resonating light..

.. but im afraid that my resilience to do so is fading away..

a sigh late at night.

its been a long time isnt it?
yet time seems to have passed so quickly,
so mercilessly.
here i am, sitting alone in the night.
my heart is faltering,
weakening each passing day
without you.

ohhhhh does it really has to be like this?
we were both determined in the past,
that we do not need a companion in life.
but when we looked each other in the eyes,
all was gone.

why? why are we then not together now?
what did i do? or rather did not do?
why am i so stubborn? why did i decide to disturb you again?
is it because i thought we still have a chance?

or maybe because im just deceiving myself.
"to us give another chance" only meant
to give me another chance.
a fool's hope.

do all girls like guys who are "cool"?
do they like guys who have stylish bags, shoes and hair?
not forgeting looking a least bit like some korean male star or whatever.
or some guy who talks nonsense (really really nonsensical stuff - not cold jokes) and amuses himself and you?
Or, they must be rich the very least?

if thats true, then i know why i dont see a girl falling for me.
or maybe the reason behind this is that im a psychopath or whatever?
or im a mugger? VOID OF FEELINGS? (if u felt the amount of HATRED i have in the 3 words would u have felt the same?)
or because of the fucking surname i didnt (and cant) choose and happen to have?
just because of my fairly better results?
im not boasting now but i really dont give a dam about tutorials and i have done less than 10% of all tutorials so please dont come talking to me about what a mugger i am.
cos if im a mugger that will make the whole world else mugger elites.

i hate it man. why do i sound like a psychopath?
ever since i fell in love, i become crazier each day.
im afraid someday im gonna lose it.
im afraid someday im going to end my life.

when.. just when will all this pain end?
when will i be able to hold you like how i do
in my dreams?

A Friday in May.

Hey Jude - The Beatles

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey, Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better.

And any time you feel the pain, hey, Jude, refrain
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders
Well don't you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder

Hey, Jude! Don't let her down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember, to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey, Jude, begin
You're waiting for someone to perform with
And don't you know that it's just you, hey, Jude,
You'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder

Hey, Jude, don't make it bad
Take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

---

Easier said than done.

my humble interpretation of "The Da Vinci Code"

Straits Times gave it 2/5 stars (correct me if im wrong).

I've watched it today and i say that there's no movie as inspiring as this since "The Matrix" trilogy. its not only inspiring, but a genius work. not only the movie. the whole story is. Dan Brown is truly amazing. Enough said, now i shall blog some of my intepretation of the movie/story.

Warning! Spoiler ahead.

The whole story hinges on the question of whether Jesus was divine or was he just an extraordinary man.

The cleverness of the author to make use of the technique of self-questioning (by the lead guy, prof langdon (if i rmb correctly)) in the theatre screen to convince us of the 'messages' he is trying to convey in his book is simply astonishing.

imho, there's no need for much proving. it is because the religion (i wont say which) has a very flawed fundamental notion (please refer to my previous entry).

but anyway, what is interesting and a matter of fact, 'uplifting' to me is the common thought that the author (i suppose he wrote what he thought) and me shares. Be it if Jesus is man or divine, what matters is that the peace/social and moral benefits from belief of an existence of a supreme(good at least). And of course the decision the sole descendent of Jesus(living proof of the mortality of Jesus) had to make. To enlighten the world of the truth, to liberate them from the enslavement from the lies, or to "renew their faith".

just as i thought. should we destroy the force that at least binds the majority of the human race to a certain extent? So long it does no harm. But im sure that the more logically-inclined people would know exactly what to do. I believe in a system beneficial for betterment of humankind, but not the lies.

i guess not many know what the fuck im talking about. some may detest me. some just dont gif a damn lol. my language skills is not good la. just watch the show and maybe you will understand abit(rmb to watch it w/o a biased thought in mind). so long for now.

and btw, the last supper is here.

i give the movie 10 out of 5 stars.

Where'd you go?

this song pwn nuts man. mike shinoda forever!

Fort Minor - Where'd You Go

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

She said "Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,"
I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the trips always feel so long,
And, I find myself tryna stay by the phone,
'Cause your voice always helps me when I feel so alone,
But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when I pick up I don't have much to say,
So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

You know the place where you used to live,
Used to barbeque up burgers and ribs,
Used to have a little party every Hallowe'en with candy by the pile,
But now, you only stop by every once in a while,
Shit, I find myself just fillin' my time,
Anything to keep the thought of you from my mind,
I'm doin' fine, I plan to keep it that way,
You can call me if you find you have somethin' to say,
And I'll tell you, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',
Tellin' you that I've had it with you and your career,
Me and the rest of the family here singing "Where'd you go?"

I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...

I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', no longer debatin',
Tired of sittin' and hatin' and makin' these excuses,
For while you're not around, and feeling so useless,
It seems one thing has been true all along,
You don't really know what you got 'til it's gone,
I guess I've had it with you and your career,
When you come back I won't be here and you'll can sing it...

Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.
Where'd you go?
I miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone,
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...
Please come back home...

just thought i needed to blog too

take my hand, take my whole life too.
for i cant help, falling in love with you..

im bored at home.
but i need a break like this from this hectic study life.
no more games to play.. warcraft standard game/dota is just sian.
dling music to listen just got sianner too.

and i hate to think about love.
because it just makes me so sad.


so maybe i'll talk abit philosophy then.

why must people be so cynical about others..?
what's there's to lose if you believe them?
since if we think that money is not important,
why are people so afraid to lose a little of them,
if we really had to?

so what is important? you family?
so-called friends? power?
reputation? being hip?

sorry man. my family is not much a sanctuary.
getting some fucking money for class fund or
buying notes is like borrowing few million dollars
to buy something useless. so i just cant imagine
family to be important.

friends? if you can really find a true friend. good for you.
but if your friend is just like a fucker like everyone else,
i bet you wouldn't mind,
taking the fact that you are most likely one too.

power and reputation? lol i dont think i need to say anything about these.
unless you are that shallow and sadistic.

Im hip. so are you. ok we are all hip. done.



im like a curious new born. seeking answers that are already right in front of our eyes.
life's an illusion. we are just mammals with that extra boredomness and stupidity.

just thought i need to blog.

without you, im left with silly questions like what is the purpose of having to go through this thing called life.

i was, once, looking for the meaning of my existance, until i found you.

i know all these sound corny and doubtful but whatever the case i just feel like saying what i feel today.


my results arent going up.. and there are people doing quite well with some hardwork put in.. maybe i should get my ass moving as well?
but i hate to work.
especially when studying is concerned.

im anti-chxxxt and i know it.

this is the best read i have done so far this week
http://www.truthbeknown.com/bible.htm

and the last paragraph is exactly what i have been telling my friends about.

christiananswers.net - "One final evidence that the Bible is true is found in the testimony of those who have believed it. Multitudes of people, past and present, have found from personal experience that its promises are true, its counsel is sound, its commands and restrictions are wise, and its wonderful message of salvation meets every need for both time and eternity."

TBK - ""Multitudes of people...have found...that its promises are true?" A heck of a lot more have found tremendous disappointment when prayers haven't been answered and Jesus hasn't arrived riding on a white horse. "Jesus" said, "Soon I will return." After 2,000 years, believers still wait and pray and are disappointed. Fortunately, there is a general moral thread that runs throughout the mess that has passed for humanity. No book about life could avoid including it. And its "wonderful message of salvation" is only wonderful if one is lost in the first place. Without the original sin and fall of mankind, there would be no need for saving. Again, why did the "perfect" God make such an imperfect creature in the first place that he would need to save it? Is this some sadistic cat-and-mouse game? The people who are finding solace in the pages of the Bible have been crippled by it in the first place. They are not told they are divine incarnations but horrible sinners, pathetic wretches in the eyes of a glorious God. The Judeo-Christian ideology creates the schism between human beings and God in the first place by utterly separating God out of creation. It then promises that it holds the keys to reuniting man with God. It's an extortion racket."

im losing it.

im really losing it. im going to burst. emotions are ruling over my head.. i cant control myself anymore. im afraid im going to say something im going to regret.
im became very afraid since i knew you.

i wish life is a better journey. i cant think anymore.

the number of hypocites i see in my life is of e^(e^(e^(e^t))) where t = time.
i really cant stand this world anymore.
i really cant.

just think primary school days.

cant think anymore....

goodbye to this sh**** odjaklgjd

it's fate. no one can change it.
mine it ends this very moment.

dont you all ever feel guilty. i chose this path myself.

A Rush Of Blood To The Head

He said I'm gonna buy this place and burn it down
I'm gonna put it six feet underground
He said "I'm gonna buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls

Oh I'm gonna buy this place and start a fire
Stand here until I fill all your heart's desires
Because I'm gonna buy this place and see it burn
Do back the things it did to you in return

Ah ah ah, ah ah ah...

He said I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
Oh and I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head

Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
Start as you mean to go on

He said "I'm gonna buy this place and see it go
Stand here beside my baby, watch the orange glow
Some will laugh and some just sit and cry
But you just sit down there and you wonder why

So I'm gonna buy a gun and start a war
If you can tell me something worth fighting for
And I'm gonna buy this place that's what I said
Blame it upon a rush of blood to the head
Oh to the head

Honey
All the movements you're starting to make
See me crumble and fall on my face
And I know the mistakes that I made
See it all disappear without a trace.
And they call as they beckon you on
They said start as you mean to go on
As you mean to go on, as you mean to go on

So meet me by the bridge,
Oh meet me by the lane
When am I going to see
That pretty face again

Meet me on the road
Meet me where I said
Blame it all upon
A rush of blood to the head